POET STALEY’S Top 20 Alternatives to Sun-Dried Tomatoes

1 astigmatism based insult dried tomatoes

2 Moonraker reboot with a Native American tender age Bond instead of Roger Moore dried tomatoes

3 silent treatment dried tomatoes

4 dry ice dried tomatoes

5 split pea spit dried tomatoes

6 11% ethanol dried tomatoes

7 sex lies and videotape dried tomatoes

8 Chihuahuan inhalations dried tomatoes

9 old New Hampshire white man music teacher holding his breath
dried tomatoes

10 doppelgänger with a zip tie necktie dried tomatoes

11 Howard Zinn versus Kit Carson dried tomatoes

12 apocryphal pre-apocalyptic college board dried tomatoes

13 “Waiting Around to Die” by Townes Van Zandt dried tomatoes

14 poutine dream tomatillo seeds on a Sunday spread with your
cousin on a platter dried tomatoes

15 Trumpers reciting love poems by gay Black tall women
dried tomatoes

16 hair dried tomatoes

17 fluoride in disguise dried tomatoes

18 shattered glass of a Walmart frame dried tomatoes

19 prime number imposter syndrome dried tomatoes

20 red dwarf cottage cheese star thistle lycopene dried tomatoes

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authors note: drying tomatoes with “sun” is cliche, base and possibly abusive. Tomato farmers and grocers nationwide should be ashamed of themselves. Are outrageous slotting fees or an epic small mindedness to blame?! What about the tomatoes dried by seven of Saturn’s 83 moons? Don’t they deserve a shot?